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My story started 13 years ago. I was in a bad marriage (married to an alcoholic) and I started working at a new company. This married guy there took a "liking" to me and started leaving blueberry muffins and orange juice on my desk in the mornings.

One day about 6 months after I started working there, we went to a golf tournament together. After the tournament, we drank a little too much and one thing led to another and we both ended up getting home at 3:00 A.M. I ended up getting a divorce immediately…my CP took about a year to get his divorce. I remember that he "used" the fact that he was just getting a divorce to keep boundaries up around his family and friends…he couldn't take me to any family functions because it was too soon.

Anyway, we were fairly happy for awhile (although looking back, he always had weird boundaries up)…then his mother died…then our company moved out of state. He moved away temporarily and I stayed here (this was about 2 years into the relationship). I tried to go there or he came here at least once a month…he still owned a house here. I was getting frustrated because he told me that the move was only temporary, but the "move-back" date kept getting postponed.

He stopped coming back home and he didn't want me to come there very often. Then, I found out that he was seeing another woman. This new woman worked for the company in the new out-of-state office…she was just coming out of an abusive marriage, had been on welfare, was a recovering prescription drug addict, had an 8th grade education, and she had 3 children. My CP was a very successful (in business anyway), educated and smart man…what was he doing???

Anyway, he broke up with me about 3 years into our relationship. He started seeing her for about 6 months. He then moved back home. He contacted me…said that he had made the biggest mistake of his life and that he loved me and to please take him back. Of course, I took him back without him having to put forth a lot of effort. Within 3 months, his best friend died…he disappeared for a week…I had no idea what had happened to him.

He finally called me and said "I realized that I have to give this relationship (with the other woman) a try…not because I love her, but because of the kids." Apparently he had gotten very close to her children and this "gave him some meaning in his life." Anyway, they got married right away and he moved them all down here.

I was in complete agony. I cried and cried and cried all the time. I would cry at work, at home, in my car…the agonizing feeling in my gut lasted for months…I would picture them together and happy, etc… Plus, this was the second time I put myself through this grieving process. It was the most devastating experience of my life. About one year later, I finally felt semi-recovered. I went back to school and got my Masters degree in Psychology…I started a new career. I had two relationships that were fairly serious… although looking back they may not have been suitable partners for me (yes, I think I have some CP issues of my own).

Ok…3 years ago (and 6 years after our 2nd break-up) I get a call from my ex-CP's cousin (we were friends throughout this whole ordeal although I had backed away from the friendship somewhat for my own mental health). She told me that my ex-CP had gotten a divorce about 1 year ago and that he had been asking about me. She wanted to know if I would be open to talking with him. Of course, I said yes (yikes…big mistake). Anyway, he called…we talked for hours…we made a date for the following weekend…the rest is history. This time when he came back…he said that he was in therapy and that he had dealt with or was dealing with all his issues and that this time "our relationship would be different."

He was the pursuer…he called just to say hi, planned fabulous dates, weekend getaways, and a trip to Maui. He got me back involved with his family (not to mention they were glad to see that I was back after the weird ex-wife saga)…he even got me involved with his step-kids (who live out-of-state, but we visited on a regular basis) who I grew very close to since their mother was not around and she was using drugs again.

Anyway, we had a great relationship until about 2 years in…I brought up the issue of moving the relationship forward. He stated that he still "wasn't ready." He said that he was still grieving over the "loss" of his step-kids moving away and the horrible things his ex-wife had done while they were married (she betrayed him in every way possible). He asked for just a little more time. He stated that he loved me and did not want to lose me…please just a few more months.

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After about 6 months I brought it up again…I said that we needed to go to counseling…he said that he would make the appointment…he never did. Finally I blew up…he ended up going to counseling by himself (for some reason he did not want me to meet his therapist) and I went to my own counselor.

During this time one of his step-kids came down to visit…we were having fun almost every night taking her to all the amusement parks, etc. At the end of her visit, we all went on a trip for 5 days…had a great time. The next weekend, he was very distant and not showing any affection toward me…I asked him what was up. He said that he needed a "break" from the relationship. That he should be happy, but he wasn't. That his life seemed to have no purpose…he said that he had no idea what he wanted out of life, and until he could be happy with himself and know what he wanted, that he could not be the man that I deserve.

He said that he realized he was not meeting my needs and that I was unhappy, but that he could not give anymore…because he didn't have it to give. We did go to 2 counseling sessions together after this…but he was already "out the door." His counselor did call my counselor to discuss his "issues," but who knows what is to become of that. In the meantime I had to go through all of the agonizing pain yet again…even though he convinced me in the beginning that "this time it would be different."

Horrible pain…losing the person that I thought I would spend the rest of my life with…his family…and his step-kids. It has been 2 months now since the "break" and 1 month from our last therapy session…it still hurts but I am trying to move on with my life, yet again. All I can say is don't take them back unless they commit to long-term couples counseling immediately. I hope that I have learned my lesson this time…although if he came to my door with a wedding ring and a year's worth of couples counseling appointments I do not know what I would do…this worries me a lot and it really worries my therapist. I'll keep working on it!

In the final analysis, while we got along great…both mentally and physically, the relationship was filled with constant mixed messages from him (e.g., "I Love You" followed by "I don't know if I ever want to get married again"), weird boundaries about how often we saw each other and how often we had sex (although he would never let me call it sex…he insisted on the term "making-love"), how many times we spoke on the phone during the week, how many family events I was invited to attend, how many places I was invited to go when his step-kids came to visit, etc…

Our typical week consisted of seeing each other from Saturday afternoon until Sunday evening…usually I would then not hear from him until Wednesday or Thursday evening via a phone call to catch up and confirm the weekend. During the week I basically led my life and he led his…but yet, when we broke up he told everyone that the reason we broke up was because I was "all-consuming"…even though to me and our therapist he acknowledged that I just wanted a normal relationship and he couldn't handle that. I guess there were plenty of red flags that I should have noticed and acted upon…I apparently chose to ignore them and only acknowledge the positive things…not realistic at all! Believe me…I will be much more self-protective in the future.

~Sandy

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