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One and a half years ago in school I met A. We were attracted to each other right from the beginning. We were older students, both in our early thirties. She came on strong and I guess I did also. Throughout the relationship I detected a slight push/pull from her, but nothing overwhelming. After all, she had gotten divorced about six months before dating me, but had been separated for over 2 years prior. She had dated a couple guys before me, but nothing went anywhere. I looked at this as a 'good thing' in that she had done a lot of thinking about what was important and what was not.

Her ex was the 'bad boy' CP type and treated her as such by cheating on her remorselessly for two years of the marriage. She had gone through a lot and seemed really strong because of it. Sometimes she would say things like: I hope I can be good enough for you, if you only knew who I really was you would not love me and I love you so much please do not leave me. At the time I just told her she was crazy to think such thoughts, of course she was good enough for me. Looking back it was classic CP talk and she was trying to warn me of what she was capable of doing. I just did not know or want to believe. After all she said she loved me more than life itself.

On our one year anniversary we got engaged. We were both so happy, but I got my first signal when she did not want to tell everybody we had gotten engaged. It was 'too soon' she said and she had some reasons that made good sense to me at the time. Privately with me she was totally into it and really wanted to get married as bad or more than me. Always dropping hints about wanting a small wedding the 'next time,' saying how much of a good couple we were for each other, professing her undying love for me, spending all our time together, etc.

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We set a date, made all the reservations, got a photographer, everything. She was the instigator behind most of this. She wanted it to be special so I followed her lead on exactly what she wanted. I just wanted to be with her. The ceremony was not my main focus, but I think at the time it gave her some distraction from having to think about us as a couple forever. She just went through the motions hoping at some point she would feel the love for me without the panic. She never got there.

Then she had to move 1200 miles away to finish up her last eight months of school. It was unavoidable so I know she did not plan it. I was to stay put and prepare for our future together in our new home. After a few weeks she said she was really missing me a lot. I told her I could visit in two weeks and she was so happy.

When I arrived she was cold to me. She would not kiss me or anything, it was weird. After two days of weirdness I was getting some gut feelings she may be cheating on me. I had indications before, but was just not sure. Through the grapevine I got some detailed info on what she was up to and confronted her. She spilled the beans after I pushed really hard. She said she had an affair with one of my best friends, but that is was over. It only lasted two weeks. I was livid and she cried and begged for forgiveness. I gave it and stated that the wedding must be postponed till we figure this all out.

A week after my visit with her she called me and said she realized how stupid she was, she just made a horrible mistake and promised it would never happen again. We chalked it up to 'wedding jitters.' She then proposed to ME and made all these fantastic promises of how great we would be together, how we were soul mates, to please forgive her, etc. So I forgave her fully and the wedding was back on. We had issues to deal with for sure, but we both were willing to put the work into it.

Four days later she cheated on me again with the same guy. She called and told me about it is how I found out. She was riddled with guilt and did not know what to do, but felt 'chemistry' with this guy and could not help herself. (um, right) Obviously we broke off everything after that. I just did not realize the damage inside of her until that point. She confessed to having panic attacks when alone and I was not close to her. She would sit alone at home and think about the wedding and have huge amounts of anxiety.

Then we would talk and she felt we were destined to be together. Her world was flipping between two very far emotions and it was scaring her to death. All I could see was an incredible push/pull coming from her. One second she would beg me to never leave her, the next she would run to another man. I was a mess. I was angry and had no idea what the heck was going on. My self esteem was taking a bit hit as was my heart and soul.

Thinking back on it, anytime we were apart for more than a couple days she would always get emotionally distant. It was like I had to start over with her and she had forgotten I was the 'love of her life.' Then after I would leave she would cry for days because I was gone. It was as though she could only show strong emotion for me when I was not around. Even her friends would say how much she talks about me constantly and that she is so in love with me they were jealous of her relationship. Her words I think were just a cover for her true feelings of panic. She loved me and it terrified her. She was just trying to put on a good show for the public in hopes it might become real inside of her if she said it enough times and behaved the correct way.

Now were are trying to keep a somewhat anemic friendship alive with infrequent contact, mostly just to exchange personal items we have of each others. I never discuss the relationship with her or ask her for anything. I want her to get better and think, but I know she is still with the other guy and is using the new relationship with him to hide from the guilt of leaving me. Her life runs on fear of everything. Her phobia is so pervasive she may never get better and that is a hard thing to take when you love someone so much. I do miss her, but I cannot let her destroy my life anymore than she already has. I have no idea where we are headed. She will be back in the same city as me in six months. I know she may never change and that six months is not a long time to undo a lifetime of fear. For now, I am just moving on without her, if she chooses to catch up with me, then fine. If not, I have no other choice but to just let her go. It is not easy though.

Johnny

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